Next Sunday marks the annual tradition of gathering with friends to sit in front of a TV for eight-straight hours, watch two teams most people in the room don’t care about and eagerly anticipate commercials like teen girls camping out to see a “Twilight” movie.
To make the most of your Super Bowl experience, here are seven tips for a memorable and enjoyable party:
- Get a TV at least 60″ in size, 100″ to be safe. Doesn’t it always seem like the person with the smallest TV always hosts the party? It makes watching a game like sitting in the nose bleeds.
- CBS will promote its shows unmercifully. Why not turn the annoyance into a drinking game? For example, every time you see a commercial for “How I Met Your Mother” or “Elementary,” take a shot of tequila. By the end of the first quarter, you’ll have passed out, saving you from watching any more of those crappy promos.
- If there’s ever a lull in conversation, start a discussion on how the recently deceased Pauline Phillips (Dear Abby) would have advised Manti Te’o on his imaginary-girlfriend problems.
- Gambling is an excellent way to motivate people into caring about this game. I like Football Squares, in which you pay out every quarter based on the last digit of either team’s score. Or, if you want to steal your guests’ money, just run a Keno board (house edge is a whopping 25-29 percent).
- Don’t invite kids. Otherwise, you won’t be able to yell things like, “Holy sh*t! How can that f*cking ref be so goddamned blind? F***********ck!”
- What you serve depends on how many bathrooms your guests have access to. One bathroom = safe items like pizza, chicken wings and pulled pork. Two = riskier items like bean dip, spicy chili and chips made with Olestra. Three = I’m-getting-you-back-for-making-a-pass-at-my-wife items like laxatives in a drink or malaria.
- To make sure your guests have enough time to sober up for the drive home, stop serving drinks when the game is over. Because of course, everyone’s going to stay to watch an all-new episode of “Elementary” that immediately follows.
I bought some oysters at Whole Foods the other day, and at home I took on the difficult task (for me) of shucking them. It got me thinking: who was the first person to actually pry (or smash) open an oyster and then proceed to eat its slimy contents?
